I've been hiding. I've intentionally stayed away from this blog because I didn't want to face the fact that I've been doing NOTHING to get healthy and NOTHING to lose weight. Well...I am officially coming out of hiding today. I am making a declaration: I am through with excuses. It seems my life has become one big "excuse"...and a sorry one at that. But I'm through. No one can make me do this. No one can make my life perfect so that it will be easy to change. Ain't gonna happen. So I am officially off of my butt and walking.
Monday: walked 1 mile
(Did NOT let the fact that I had been extremely sick most of the day stop me. NO EXCUSES!)
Tues: walked 1 mile
(Did not allow getting home from my son's band concert late be an excuse to not walk!)
Wed: Today. I will walk 1 mile.
Thurs: Will walk 1 mile.
Friday: Going out of town to visit a friend. I'm bringing my walking shoes and we are going to walk 3 miles! (Hope I don't die...lol!)
My goal is to begin walking 2 miles next week - 6 days a week. I would eventually like to start running. I have been visiting some amazing runners' blogs...they have been my inspiration to get off my butt and cut the excuses!
Note to self:
You CAN do this. There is not ONE thing that can stop you...except yourself. It won't be easy and that's okay! It won't feel good at first...but that's good!! You may not see any results right away...but you're getting healthy day by day. What results have you been seeing following your previous plan of "couch sitting"?? Yeah...the kind of results to be expected. You WILL see results if you stick with it. Be patient. Be consistent. Just do it.
NO EXCUSES!!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Deep thoughts. And shallow thoughts. And pointless rambling.
1.My dog is laying on my pillow, licking her muddy paws. I just keep looking at her and doing nothing to stop her. Guess I'll need to change my pillow case.
2. Hubby has been complaining of the inside of his nose hurting...you know like when you get a little pimple in there and every time you touch it it feels like someone is shoving a ice pick in your nose and it makes your eyes water? Like that. But it keeps getting worse and he said it's actually up pretty high in his nose. Now his nose is visibly mis-shapen on the right side. My first thought is that maybe it's a tumor. How's that for having a bright, optimistic, sun shiney outlook on life? I have a tendency to be a pessimist.
Poor guy...he needs to get that checked!
3. Weight loss is not happening. I am at a road block mentally. So instead of getting all depressed and whiney and thus gaining MORE weight from convincing myself, yet again, that a dozen Oreos with milk with make me feel better..and just migh bring world peace too...I am doing what I CAN do. I am focusing on small things.
a. Drinking tons of water.
b. No pop.
c. And that's about it for right now...(I started to make something up about
not eating at night, but then I thought I should be honest with myself...it
just aint happenin' right now!)
4. Leaving on Friday for a big trip home for a week-long visit. It will be the first time I've been in the best place on earth since last June. I'm not too excited.
I'm afraid it may be too soon and I may come back and curl up into a ball of homesick, blubbery mush...much like the state I was in the first three months after moving. In reality, I don't think it will be quite THAT bad...but I am trying to be realistic and prepare myself for some aftermath emotionally when we get back. I really think this trip is sort of contributing to this weight loss "road-block" thing. Yes, maybe I'm using it for an excuse. But it is what it is....(I hate that phrase!).
5. I just dozed off for a split second so I'm going to take that as my queue to get some shut-eye.
1.My dog is laying on my pillow, licking her muddy paws. I just keep looking at her and doing nothing to stop her. Guess I'll need to change my pillow case.
2. Hubby has been complaining of the inside of his nose hurting...you know like when you get a little pimple in there and every time you touch it it feels like someone is shoving a ice pick in your nose and it makes your eyes water? Like that. But it keeps getting worse and he said it's actually up pretty high in his nose. Now his nose is visibly mis-shapen on the right side. My first thought is that maybe it's a tumor. How's that for having a bright, optimistic, sun shiney outlook on life? I have a tendency to be a pessimist.
Poor guy...he needs to get that checked!
3. Weight loss is not happening. I am at a road block mentally. So instead of getting all depressed and whiney and thus gaining MORE weight from convincing myself, yet again, that a dozen Oreos with milk with make me feel better..and just migh bring world peace too...I am doing what I CAN do. I am focusing on small things.
a. Drinking tons of water.
b. No pop.
c. And that's about it for right now...(I started to make something up about
not eating at night, but then I thought I should be honest with myself...it
just aint happenin' right now!)
4. Leaving on Friday for a big trip home for a week-long visit. It will be the first time I've been in the best place on earth since last June. I'm not too excited.
I'm afraid it may be too soon and I may come back and curl up into a ball of homesick, blubbery mush...much like the state I was in the first three months after moving. In reality, I don't think it will be quite THAT bad...but I am trying to be realistic and prepare myself for some aftermath emotionally when we get back. I really think this trip is sort of contributing to this weight loss "road-block" thing. Yes, maybe I'm using it for an excuse. But it is what it is....(I hate that phrase!).
5. I just dozed off for a split second so I'm going to take that as my queue to get some shut-eye.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Whatsoever things are good....
Here are good things about me:
I know how to be generous.
I am a fast learner when it comes to "book smarts" type learning.
I try to trust in others' best intentions.
I make it a point to say, "I love you" to my husband and my children several times every day.
I do not stay mad at people.
I know how to relax and let my children have fun...most of the time.
I have a sense of humor.
I can laugh at myself.
I have a very womanly figure.
It is important to me to do my best.
I can sing and make music.
I don't give up.
I don't give in.
When I do give up and when I do give in...it's not for long.
I know how to be faithful, loyal and committed.
I can cook pretty good.
I have been told that I carry myself well and I am "classy".
I try to be complimentary and build others' up.
I am not materialistic.
I have learned that "things" are pretty unimportant.
I can go with the flow.
I do not always have to have things my way.
I am able to function, and usually smile, when in a great amount of physical pain.
I cry easily. I am not hardened.
I realize that I have much to learn and experience and I have a desire to learn, experience, grow, mature, and become a better person. I accept the fact that the proccess is sometimes difficult and painful and yet I still long for it.
The one truly GOOD thing about me is this:
I am fully forgiven, fully accepted and fully loved by my God and Savior, Jesus.
I know how to be generous.
I am a fast learner when it comes to "book smarts" type learning.
I try to trust in others' best intentions.
I make it a point to say, "I love you" to my husband and my children several times every day.
I do not stay mad at people.
I know how to relax and let my children have fun...most of the time.
I have a sense of humor.
I can laugh at myself.
I have a very womanly figure.
It is important to me to do my best.
I can sing and make music.
I don't give up.
I don't give in.
When I do give up and when I do give in...it's not for long.
I know how to be faithful, loyal and committed.
I can cook pretty good.
I have been told that I carry myself well and I am "classy".
I try to be complimentary and build others' up.
I am not materialistic.
I have learned that "things" are pretty unimportant.
I can go with the flow.
I do not always have to have things my way.
I am able to function, and usually smile, when in a great amount of physical pain.
I cry easily. I am not hardened.
I realize that I have much to learn and experience and I have a desire to learn, experience, grow, mature, and become a better person. I accept the fact that the proccess is sometimes difficult and painful and yet I still long for it.
The one truly GOOD thing about me is this:
I am fully forgiven, fully accepted and fully loved by my God and Savior, Jesus.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I want to eat....
I want nothing more to go into the kitchen and shove some food in my face. I'm not hungry. I'm sitting on the couch feeling like a beached whale with this huge fat roll around my belly, wishing I felt different....and yet I want to eat. So instead of eating, I'm going to blog. I'm going to vomit my feelings and thoughts all over this page and then I'm going to go take a walk or something.
I feel like "talking" about how I got here...about how I came to be fat. That's blunt! I'm not a psychiatrist and I don't think I'm fully aware of all the "deep" reasons why I got fat. But I think what I need right now is a bit of honesty from myself...just the facts ma'am! The facts about how I got fat may turn into my whole life story...well then so be it!
The BEGINNING.
I was not always fat. In fact, I recently saw a picture of myself when I was around 12 or 13 and I was SKINNY! A little too skinny...my nose looked huge!! I don't remember being very aware of my weight during most of my younger years. When I was a junior in high school we moved to a different city. New school, new (very small) church + being VERY shy = sitting around being bored and gaining a little weight. I remember that I got up to 175lbs. that year. Wow...175! I don't remember feeling particularly fat, but a comment that was made about me stuck in my mind. I was visiting home and a man in our church was overheard saying, "Man, girls sure do pack on the pounds when they get lonely!". I was told that he was talking about me. I don't even know if that was true or not...or who even told me that. The funny thing is, even though it bothered me that he said that, I still don't remember feeling fat. I do remember that I started exercising shortly after that...but I did not become obsessed about diet, exercise, or my weight. After I graduated from high school, I lost around 30lbs without even trying - I think it was just life changes and a new job, etc. It seemed as if the weight just came off on it's own.
Then college happened.
I started college off wearing a size 10. I was perfectly happy. I still didn't really think much about my weight. Looking back, it would have really benefited me to pay attention to my body and my weight. To be a little more obsessed. I was ignorant and oblivious! College consisted of 3 years of fast food. I worked full time most of those 3 years and with that type of schedule and no cooking facilities in the dorms...fast food was my main staple...most days I would eat it at least twice...sometimes 4 times in a day! Popeye's Chicken, McDonald's, Taco Bell... Honestly, I can't believe I got away with this without gaining more weight than I gainged! I was around 180 - 185lbs when I left college, got married and still that weight when I got pregnant with baby #1.
It all just goes downhill (or rather, UP hill) from baby #1.
I was STILL ignorant and not too concerned about health/weight issues during pregnancy. I ate whatever I wanted and however much I wanted - including 1 entire box of macaroni and cheese almost every day! Suprise, suprise....I gained around 70lbs. I only lost about 40lbs before baby #2. Thankfuly, I was starting to perk up and take notice of things more around this time. (Am I "slow"? I don't know what my deal was...I've never been diagnosed with a learning disability - but it sure did take me a LONG time to catch on!) With baby #2 I gained about 25lbs and lost 15lbs afterward. But then I promptly forgot any concern I had with my weight and went back to my oblivious, happy little life of overindulgence and no exercise.
The MOMENT.
I do remember the "moment". Everyone has a moment that sticks out in their mind when they realized they have a problem, right? I remember it well. Baby #2 was about 2 years old. I saw a scale sitting on the floor while visiting my mom. For some reason, I decided to weigh myself....and then I promptly burst into tears. 223lbs. I didn't even know that I was over 200lbs. That's how oblivious I was...actually, I think I was in denial - and I was in it DEEP. At that moment, I felt like the world was coming to an end. I could not possibly LIVE with myself being that heavy! And so began the ongoing battle. The big defeats and very small victories...over and over...which lead up to where I am now.
The PRESENT.
There are some very serious physical/medical problems that I could blame my weight problem on. Debilitating pain and 2 brain surgeries...I still struggle with the effects of a condition I can't predict or control. I honestly can say that I have pain, to some degree, every single day. Some days it's just barely there, nagging at me in the background. Other days it knocks me down so hard that I wonder if I even WANT to get up again...I'm scared to! I feel like a part of me has given in to the monster and I've allowed myself to become a victim. I pout and stomp my foot sometimes at how unfair it is that I have to deal with this. How can poor little me try to stay healthy and get to a healthy weight when I can't even function some days? Wah, wah....wah. This is me some days. I blame the monster...but it doesn't make the monster go away. And so I have to make a DECISION to turn away from the monster and take responsibility for what I CAN do. The monster doesn't make me eat. It doesn't always keep me from exercising - sometimes I just choose not to. I do not have to give the monster control of my life. But sometimes I just do...because it's easier.
I've had my greatest victory and my biggest defeat within the past 15 months. Last year I lost almost 40lbs in 7 months. Then we packed up and moved across the country. I had grand visions of myself losing more and more weight and coming home for a visit a skinny girl! But I gave in again and let myself be the victim again. I wasn't prepared for the depth of lonliness and the dark depression I would face. I had NO IDEA it would be so heart-wrenchingly hard to leave home...everyone I love and everything that is familiar - WAY harder than I thought! So the 40lbs...plus 12 more...came creeping back to me and I picked them up and hugged them like a long lost friend! And now here I sit at my heaviest weight ever.
Right now...at this very moment...I feel defeated and scared to try again. Efforts have been made over the past couple of months. But I'm wishy-washy. I can't stay committed for longer than a week. I have every tool available to me to lose the weight. I know how to eat right. I know how to cook healthy food. I ENJOY eating healthy food. I have work out DVDs, and Wii Fit, and Wii Biggest Loser, and I am a member of a gym that I haven't been to in 3 months, and I am a member of Jillian Michael's online program....and WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??!!! What else do I possibly need?! I have all of that PLUS the fact that I feel like crap all the time...shouldn't that be motivation enough?! I can't walk across the parking lot without getting winded. And guess what? I waddle. If I'm not careful, I find myself waddling. How low do I have to get?
Well...I'm not sure how theraputic this "journaling" has been. Now I'm crying and feeling very frustrated at myself. I feel like a loser in every way. God says I can be victorious. He gives me every tool I need...but I have to find it within myself to pick myself up and get going...and get believing. And I will...because this is about so much more than a number on a scale for me. I am tired of being unhealthy, fat, out of breath, in pain, depressed, tired, crabby, embarrassed, etc. I have reached two "milestones" in recent months that I never wanted to reach. I have had my first experience of being too fat to fit in a ride at Six Flags. And I have began to often stay in the house because I feel too fat to go into public. Yay me. So I'm leaving all this "vomit" on this computer screen and I am going to walk away from it and really LEAVE IT HERE. I don't want to take this defeat with me any more.
I feel like "talking" about how I got here...about how I came to be fat. That's blunt! I'm not a psychiatrist and I don't think I'm fully aware of all the "deep" reasons why I got fat. But I think what I need right now is a bit of honesty from myself...just the facts ma'am! The facts about how I got fat may turn into my whole life story...well then so be it!
The BEGINNING.
I was not always fat. In fact, I recently saw a picture of myself when I was around 12 or 13 and I was SKINNY! A little too skinny...my nose looked huge!! I don't remember being very aware of my weight during most of my younger years. When I was a junior in high school we moved to a different city. New school, new (very small) church + being VERY shy = sitting around being bored and gaining a little weight. I remember that I got up to 175lbs. that year. Wow...175! I don't remember feeling particularly fat, but a comment that was made about me stuck in my mind. I was visiting home and a man in our church was overheard saying, "Man, girls sure do pack on the pounds when they get lonely!". I was told that he was talking about me. I don't even know if that was true or not...or who even told me that. The funny thing is, even though it bothered me that he said that, I still don't remember feeling fat. I do remember that I started exercising shortly after that...but I did not become obsessed about diet, exercise, or my weight. After I graduated from high school, I lost around 30lbs without even trying - I think it was just life changes and a new job, etc. It seemed as if the weight just came off on it's own.
Then college happened.
I started college off wearing a size 10. I was perfectly happy. I still didn't really think much about my weight. Looking back, it would have really benefited me to pay attention to my body and my weight. To be a little more obsessed. I was ignorant and oblivious! College consisted of 3 years of fast food. I worked full time most of those 3 years and with that type of schedule and no cooking facilities in the dorms...fast food was my main staple...most days I would eat it at least twice...sometimes 4 times in a day! Popeye's Chicken, McDonald's, Taco Bell... Honestly, I can't believe I got away with this without gaining more weight than I gainged! I was around 180 - 185lbs when I left college, got married and still that weight when I got pregnant with baby #1.
It all just goes downhill (or rather, UP hill) from baby #1.
I was STILL ignorant and not too concerned about health/weight issues during pregnancy. I ate whatever I wanted and however much I wanted - including 1 entire box of macaroni and cheese almost every day! Suprise, suprise....I gained around 70lbs. I only lost about 40lbs before baby #2. Thankfuly, I was starting to perk up and take notice of things more around this time. (Am I "slow"? I don't know what my deal was...I've never been diagnosed with a learning disability - but it sure did take me a LONG time to catch on!) With baby #2 I gained about 25lbs and lost 15lbs afterward. But then I promptly forgot any concern I had with my weight and went back to my oblivious, happy little life of overindulgence and no exercise.
The MOMENT.
I do remember the "moment". Everyone has a moment that sticks out in their mind when they realized they have a problem, right? I remember it well. Baby #2 was about 2 years old. I saw a scale sitting on the floor while visiting my mom. For some reason, I decided to weigh myself....and then I promptly burst into tears. 223lbs. I didn't even know that I was over 200lbs. That's how oblivious I was...actually, I think I was in denial - and I was in it DEEP. At that moment, I felt like the world was coming to an end. I could not possibly LIVE with myself being that heavy! And so began the ongoing battle. The big defeats and very small victories...over and over...which lead up to where I am now.
The PRESENT.
There are some very serious physical/medical problems that I could blame my weight problem on. Debilitating pain and 2 brain surgeries...I still struggle with the effects of a condition I can't predict or control. I honestly can say that I have pain, to some degree, every single day. Some days it's just barely there, nagging at me in the background. Other days it knocks me down so hard that I wonder if I even WANT to get up again...I'm scared to! I feel like a part of me has given in to the monster and I've allowed myself to become a victim. I pout and stomp my foot sometimes at how unfair it is that I have to deal with this. How can poor little me try to stay healthy and get to a healthy weight when I can't even function some days? Wah, wah....wah. This is me some days. I blame the monster...but it doesn't make the monster go away. And so I have to make a DECISION to turn away from the monster and take responsibility for what I CAN do. The monster doesn't make me eat. It doesn't always keep me from exercising - sometimes I just choose not to. I do not have to give the monster control of my life. But sometimes I just do...because it's easier.
I've had my greatest victory and my biggest defeat within the past 15 months. Last year I lost almost 40lbs in 7 months. Then we packed up and moved across the country. I had grand visions of myself losing more and more weight and coming home for a visit a skinny girl! But I gave in again and let myself be the victim again. I wasn't prepared for the depth of lonliness and the dark depression I would face. I had NO IDEA it would be so heart-wrenchingly hard to leave home...everyone I love and everything that is familiar - WAY harder than I thought! So the 40lbs...plus 12 more...came creeping back to me and I picked them up and hugged them like a long lost friend! And now here I sit at my heaviest weight ever.
Right now...at this very moment...I feel defeated and scared to try again. Efforts have been made over the past couple of months. But I'm wishy-washy. I can't stay committed for longer than a week. I have every tool available to me to lose the weight. I know how to eat right. I know how to cook healthy food. I ENJOY eating healthy food. I have work out DVDs, and Wii Fit, and Wii Biggest Loser, and I am a member of a gym that I haven't been to in 3 months, and I am a member of Jillian Michael's online program....and WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??!!! What else do I possibly need?! I have all of that PLUS the fact that I feel like crap all the time...shouldn't that be motivation enough?! I can't walk across the parking lot without getting winded. And guess what? I waddle. If I'm not careful, I find myself waddling. How low do I have to get?
Well...I'm not sure how theraputic this "journaling" has been. Now I'm crying and feeling very frustrated at myself. I feel like a loser in every way. God says I can be victorious. He gives me every tool I need...but I have to find it within myself to pick myself up and get going...and get believing. And I will...because this is about so much more than a number on a scale for me. I am tired of being unhealthy, fat, out of breath, in pain, depressed, tired, crabby, embarrassed, etc. I have reached two "milestones" in recent months that I never wanted to reach. I have had my first experience of being too fat to fit in a ride at Six Flags. And I have began to often stay in the house because I feel too fat to go into public. Yay me. So I'm leaving all this "vomit" on this computer screen and I am going to walk away from it and really LEAVE IT HERE. I don't want to take this defeat with me any more.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Wow...I can't believe I'm doing this.....
My mind is swirling around and around! I have a love/hate relationship with writing. It's something I've never felt confident about. I did some counseling with a...well a counselor...for a period of time and she really pushed me to "journal". She told me that getting my thoughts and feelings down on paper is like emptying a "vat" (sp??) and it's essentially good for me! Well - journaling stressed me out so much! I have never been able to get past this strange feeling that I am writing for someone else....that what I put down in my journal is going to be critiqued by someone...and therefore it has never been something I liked doing. And now I'm blogging. Ok...so I can't "journal" - even though it's very UNlikely that enyone would ever read and critique my journal. But I'm blogging. I'm essentially "journaling" in a very public place so that anyone can read and critique. And for some strange reason....I'm excited! I don't get myself. Maybe blogging will help me in that area?
What inspired me to blog: I accidently ran across a blog, which led me to some other blogs, about weight loss. Reading these ladies' experiences and feelings just did something in me. I began to feel a little less alone in my struggle with my weight...and more importantly I began to feel like I can succeed. I've tried and I've failed. And I've tried and I've succeeded a little bit. Only to try and fail big-time again. And so on. And so forth. And I was starting to feel a little tired of trying. But now I feel like trying again. And that made me want to jump on the blogging band-waggon and see where the ride takes me.
So for now this blog will be about my weight issues and all that goes along with it. I don't know if that's what it will always be...but that's where I'm starting because that's where I am right now. I'm obsessed! I'm desperate. I'm fat and tired of it!! And I'm tired and really rambling....and beginning to feel some of that familiar "journaling anxiety" come on...so I'm going to bed now. Good night!!
What inspired me to blog: I accidently ran across a blog, which led me to some other blogs, about weight loss. Reading these ladies' experiences and feelings just did something in me. I began to feel a little less alone in my struggle with my weight...and more importantly I began to feel like I can succeed. I've tried and I've failed. And I've tried and I've succeeded a little bit. Only to try and fail big-time again. And so on. And so forth. And I was starting to feel a little tired of trying. But now I feel like trying again. And that made me want to jump on the blogging band-waggon and see where the ride takes me.
So for now this blog will be about my weight issues and all that goes along with it. I don't know if that's what it will always be...but that's where I'm starting because that's where I am right now. I'm obsessed! I'm desperate. I'm fat and tired of it!! And I'm tired and really rambling....and beginning to feel some of that familiar "journaling anxiety" come on...so I'm going to bed now. Good night!!
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